Tofu is my real game.

I have a confession to make. You can't tell anybody. I don't know why I do it, but when I'm flipping through the channels looki...

I have a confession to make. You can't tell anybody. I don't know why I do it, but when I'm flipping through the channels looking for something I can burn out to and access some beta waves, I usually land upon a marathon of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Now, I know what you're thinking. The guy with ridiculously bleached facial hair with a sunburnt face who wears sunglasses around the back of his head who travels to the all the best kept secrets in America to see who's serving up the best slop in town? Shameful, I know. First thing's first: I can't eat anything that is prepared or featured on the show. Everything should, by vegan law, gross me the hell out and make me change the channel faster than you can say "7-Way-Cincinatti-Style-Chili." But there's something so eerie about what happens when I watch this show. I don't want to stop. Freaks me out. I guess I just like watching people cook, no matter what they're cooking. Anyways, I was watching someone on the show at their restaurant that his father's father's father passed down to him make a dish that looked like something I would order at a 99's or TGIFridays if my parents took me somewhere like that when I was kid. It was a cheesy pasta dish with spicy chicken and bacon. You'd be hard-pressed to find somebody who wouldn't really like the way that tastes. But being vegan is fun, because its my job to figure out a way to make a dish just like that, with the same basic idea, but use all different ingredients. I love a good challenge. 
To make this have a cheesy, velvety, awesome sauce, I opted to use a recipe I made up at the dawn of my vegan days, my carrot sauce. Now I share this with you out of the goodness of my heart, because you could pay a million bucks for my carrot sauce recipe and it would be worth every penny.. But more money, more problems, as I always say.. I used a whole grain fettuccine, because it tastes the same as regular pasta, and is kind of good for you. For the "chicken", I used pressed tofu, blackened it in cajun spices and baked it. But, use a vent when blackening anything, hey? I may or may not be coughing up cajun spices for a week.
I don't really know what the dish at the diner in Wyoming or whatever tasted like...all I know is that mine tasted better, and that I'm into it.

1lb fettuccine

Carrot Sauce:
5 carrots, peeled & chopped
2 medium sized yukon gold potatoes, chopped into 1/2 inch cubes
1 tablespoon miso
1 tablespoon tahini
1 teaspoon spicy brown mustard
1/2 lemons worth of lemon juice
1/3 cup nooch
1 head roasted garlic
1 sweet onion 
1/3 cup raw cashwes soaked
1 cup water
pinch smoky pap

3/4 cup veg stock
3 tablespoons soy sauce
bunch of hot sauce
1 teaspoon peanut oil

1 teaspoon cayenne
2 teaspoons chili powder
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon smoky pap
salt, pepper

chopped chive, garnish

Soak cashews in water for at least an hour. Wrap tofu in 2 paper towels and then again in a kitchen towel and press with cast iron skillet for about and hour, flipping at about a half hour in between. Once done, slice into skinny rectangles. Marinate in soy sauce, hot sauce, veg stock, peanut oil, salt and pepper. Marinate for about an hour. Now is a good time to roast your garlic, because it also takes about an hour. Cut a head of garlic in half lengthwise and place on a sheet of foil. drizzle both halves with olive oil and salt. Crimp the tinfoil around garlic, encasing it. Place packet on a small baking sheet in a 400 degree oven for about an hour. Boil water for pasta.
Dredge tofu slices in rub and blacken the spices in a hot cast iron pan. When spices are blackened, transfer to a baking sheet and bake for about 20 minutes on about 350 degrees. Flip and bake for 20 more.
Meanwhile, slice onion into shoestrings and saute onion in a large saucepan over low heat and cover, lifting lid to stir ocassionally. Stir every 5 minutes or so until golden and caramelized.
While onion is caramelizing, in a small sauce pot combine carrots and potatoes and 2 teaspoons of water, cover and keep over low heat, stirring often, until tender. Drain cashews and add to blender. Blend cashews, caramelized onion, roasted garlic, potatoes, carrots, miso, tahini, mustard, lemon juice, nooch, salt, pepper, smoky pap and water in blender until smooth, adding a little water to bring sauce to desired consistency.Taste for seasoning.
Boil pasta when you begin adding items to blender so that it is done at roughly the same time. When sauce is smooth, add it back to the pan you sauteed the onion in and cover to keep warm. Toss cooked pasta with sauce and plate with slices of tofu and sprinkle with chopped chives.
The result is spicy and creamy and awesome and kickass. Get it, girl!

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  1. I drive my hubby nuts watching that and other cooking shows since I will not make 90% of what is shown.

    And I LOVE watching triple D too.

    This looks awesome and I will have to try it soon.